Do Your Setups Trigger Defensiveness?

When cleaning up an issues with a teammate, set it up by letting them know your commitment to the relationship and your intent to resolve a concern. Invite them to explore the issue with you.

Insight: When you have an issue with a team member, it is often best to stay in communication to resolve the breakdown and repair the partnership—to "clean it up." However, many well-intended cleanup conversations go awry because the conversation is not well-setup.

I recently heard a manager start a clean-up conversation like this:

"Roger, when you bought the materials from another supplier, I was quite upset. I am angry that you would use my team just to get leverage in your negotiations, and I feel like you were undermining my team's success."

Roger reacted by defending himself and explaining his position. The conversation quickly spiraled into an argument. 

If you begin the conversation by getting into the specifics without setting it up, people will tend to feel attacked and get defensive. In most cases, people will respond by trying to avoid blame, and the conversation may spiral out of control.

Key Action: When cleaning up an issue with a teammate, set it up by sharing your commitment to a powerful working relationship and your intent to resolve a concern. Invite them to explore the issue with you. 

Before diving into the specific issue, build a framework for the conversation to prepare them for a collaborative discussion and help them focus on the bigger picture. Explain that the purpose of the conversation is to build the relationship, to ensure both people's interests are being met, and to understand how to work together more effectively. Ask them to have a conversation to clear things up. 

The manager could have said:

"Roger, we have a great relationship and are building a great partnership between our Business Units. There's something that you did the other day that seemed completely inconsistent with the partnership we are building, and I wanted to share my perspective and understand yours. Are you willing to have this conversation with me?"

If the manager had setup the conversation this way, Roger would have been far more receptive to the conversation and open to considering the unintended impacts of his actions. 

By asking Roger to have the conversation, the manager is allowing Roger to choose to be in the discussion, which increases the likelihood of success. Usually, people say yes or ask to have the conversation at another time or in another place. If they do say no, simply ask why. 

A good setup will help ensure that the other person is not caught off guard, and will give them a way to relate to the conversation and to you. If the person knows that he or she is not being attacked, they will be more likely to bring curiosity to the conversation, understand your perspective, and try to work out the issue together. And sometimes, they'll add to the conversation by asking to discuss something that's been on their minds—often something that you may not have known about. As a result of this cleanup, you will have a stronger working relationship. 

P.S. In the next article, we'll explore the next steps in a good cleanup conversation.